As you would have correctly judged by the title that i m totally jobless so much as to write a totally non sensical post on how to survive a junglee attack. but believe me you will find this very useful and in case you dont dont express it to me.
I was forced to write this to open your eyes and to enlighten you on life saving takeaways if Hollywood has to be believed regarding Jungle, Junglees or other any abhorrent, gory, cannibalistic thingy that resides in there. After a lot of research I have come up with a set of learnings which if you follow assures you of your survival in the deepest of tragedies that might strike you whilst you are stranded in that horrible jungle.
Learning 1: dont be a Columbus
first thing make sure you have done your research right about the route, possible reroutes, possible secret passages about a certain jungle and if there were any strange things that happened there. Yes your mom was always right when she said to be careful and not to go to uncharted places. Never go to a place which hasnt been explored before, you dont want to be a columbus, believe me there is no other place left on earth which ill b christened after your name so why take the effort and the risk. Acc to Hollywood the first people who discover to their atmost horror that the heaven which they discovered some time back is not exactly a heaven but a breeding place for the loathesome somethings, so let the first batch go, c if they come out alive (everyone that is) you are more than welcome to go to that spot. Keep yourself abreast about missing people and where were they went missing!!!
Learning 2: a shortcut in life and a shortcut in your route usually ends up in a tragic result
Never be enticed by a shortcut board(thats the first bait that these horrible god forsaken creatures who dont know to read and write and somehow are able to produce a board which states "Hello take right for a shortcut"). Always follow the highway; chances of you meeting a road collision aka Final Destination 2 is lesser than being eaten by a cannibal whilst enroute the shortcut
Learning 3: the first attack is always from the back, keep looking back
If you have noticed properly the first attack is always from the back, (those eyes peering through tree tops or through bushes behind your back).
if you have a mask wear it in such a way as if you have eyes on both sides of the head and now walk backwards, this will confuse the predator on which side is the back..bingo you have survived the first kill.
Learning 4: avoid making out in the jungle
One of the biggest learnings from all Hollywood movies is that making out in the jungle gets the predator even more wild. Imagine, the poor predator is out to hunt, to eat, to feed his mate and what he sees is utterly horrific: people are mating when its own mate will be someplace else, isnt it logical that it would get irritated. Now the saddest part is that the predator is indeed a crank, it will let you complete the making out process and before you clothe it will attack you.
So guys please control the urge to make out in the jungle and girls this is "the" time you gotta control the animal in your bf or there wont be any.
Learning 5: a friend in in need is a friend indeed
Remember this golden rule, it holds true. Make sure you have a friend in front of you, at your sides and behind you so that whatever happens you will be saved, less ofcourse the tragedy strikes you from bottom or from above. your friends will be more than happy to sacrifice their lives for you, if you survive you can read a beautifully scripted memoir for them at their funeral and people will forget how menacing were they to the society (a fitting farewell u see), or best you could hitch with their beautiful lasses on whom you always tried to make advances. the benefits are huge
Learning 6: not everyone is killed by the predator the jungle also kills a few
Make sure that your focus is not just on the predator, you gotta be aware of your surroundings. Afterall Hollywood educates us of the unfortunates who perished after suffering a limp branch fall, or a landslide or a fall into the river and the leg getting stuck in one of them rocks. So make sure you test the branch if it will hold your weight (jumping on it can be a good test), always keep your feet on rocks that are visible. Its really sad to be dead because of the jungle other than the predator defeats the purpose
Learning 7: the more you survive the intial attacks the more chances emerge of your survival
simple logic doesnt require explanation.
Learning 8: hunt the hunted
Try all the techniques showed in Predator (a very good reference movie about how to survive- btw you need to be Arnie) and other Hollywood movies to kill the predator if that's your last chance.if nothing works you go to his house, burn it down, woot like a wolf and do a jin-ga-la-la dance as if it was a bonfire and u were the tribal, if this doesnt intimidate the predator then my friend i dont know what would, You are on your own (it might just irk it even more)
Learning 9: usually the only survivor is a woman
sorry guys but if there are only 2 people left one man one woman, its usually the woman who survives in the end (talk about discrimination in an life altering situation). the man typically as per Hollywood has to and will risk and sacrifice his life for the woman. Its either both or the woman who emerge as the winner so hard luck guys, make sure you follow Learning 5 in this situation. Whats even worse is that guys if you mite end up sharing the winning trophy with this woman, though she is pretty, intelligent and all that jazz, she is always gonna be the one who doesnt like you in first place..so technically a jungle adventure can help you find your life partner and you will know your life partner is the one that hates you all throughout the adventure
so happy jungling moi folks
Many of you have been witness to the long battle that is being fought for the independence of bachelorhood. Many of the still surviving bachelors can relate and empathize with my struggle for independence. So can the others who have lost the battle and yearn to go back to those blissful days. As you are aware the battle till date was with my parents and as days progressed I became feeble but my spirit didnt wane... for the happiness of bachelorhood is soo blissful that I dare not forsake it. Till death do us apart was my tagline when I started the battle. My parents copied the same tagline but with a different perspective.
Anyways back to the battle; you know that there's always that one thing in a battle that will hit you bad real bad, its the masterstroke of the opposite side whom you fear the most, its that one thing you have never prepared yourself to fight against. In the battle for bachelorhood it is the RELATIVES.
Relatives are that WMD for which mostly you dont have an answer to (quite literally). And boy do they hit you right from the day you are born... You meet a relative after like 10 years and you have absolutely no recollection of who they are, they will still expect and answer from you "Do you remember me?"; once I did the carnal mistake of saying a blatant No. I was grounded, made to do a family tree, and was cautioned to remember their names no matter what. Being me I still couldnt recollect half of them, though I became smart enough to say with a wide grin, "aunty common how can i forget you, you were so nice to me" all the while praying she doesnt ask me "nice beta..but if you remember me then tell me my name"....which did happen and upon being grounded I would tell mom what the great Shakespeare said "whats der in a name" which would evince no sympathy or agreement whatsoever.
My parents know very well how to play the relatives card; it happened when I was not studying, it happened when I became obese; andd as it would go it happened while I struggled for bachelorhood
Relative 1: "beta get married"
me: "why aunty, I m still young"
Relative 1: "yeaaa but see, with you "ageing" you wont find a bride. this is the correct age"
me: "aunty i m just 27 years old, you mean within a year or so all marriageable brides will vanish??"
Relative 1: "no not that ways"
here comes the biggest and the most told used and abused statement
Relative 1: "c if you get married now, within a year you will have a kid"
here I m thinking of life before marriage and there they have made me a father that too in a YEARRR
Relative 1: "so after like 25 odd years your kid will be ready to earn while you yourself are still earning"
me: "so how does that logic not fit in after say 2 years from now??"
Relative 1: "thats when you wont find a bride"
and so the logic went all the way back to where it started
Relative 2 (with a big wide grin): "so i hear that you are searching for a bride"
me: "absolutely not"
Relative 2: "kar le beta"
me: "abhi nahi kucch saal baad"
Relative 2: "is there someone in office, we could get you hitched to her"
me: stunned
Relative 2: "if there is someone, tell us we will go and ask her parents"
me: still stunned
do they really think I will walk to some stranger in office, go to her desk say, "Hi. you are a mallu christian, I m single and ready to mingle, how about marrying me"
me talking to myself: "Yes they apparently think so"
Now these conversations between Relative 2, Relative 1 and myself given here are highly abridged ones. In reality these extend to hours and hours and this period seems like ages. You just cant get out, if you get out you are GROUNDED. Yes I m at the age of 27 :(
they will mix all kind of emotions in the conversation, dont you love your parents, how ungrateful can you be to their sacrifice.
Seriously all these matchmakers websites I guess were opened up by such relatives who after their huge win over some bachelor kin decided to extend it for the benefit of the entire human race. They are FULL of INFORMATION. They can give you the details of who is working where, at what salary, to the extent that when is the next onsite opportunity expected.
between somewhere really far far away
Relative 1: "hey did you hear that boy is looking out for a girl"
Relative 2: "I knowwww...and i know a nice girl in our church, we will talk to her parents then inform his parents as well"
Relative 1: "oh yea she is working in Bangalore IT right...yea nice girl..nice family...nice idea...lets goooo"
Oh I hate them relatives
|
The whole world is gearing up to face the end dis year, if not the whole world but a faction atleast. While the world may end or not in Dec 2012, my end is imminent. This post is part of the continued series leading up to the end of my bachelorhood, the thought of which makes me tremble. Many of you would have read the older blogposts about how it all started. For those who havent please please read the blogs related to Mere Yaar ki Shaadi hai, its a nicely scripted 4 blogposts which can make you laugh. Ok, too much of self gratification is bad for health, so as I was saying day by day I inch closer to my end. This post is a stepping stone to that very day.
I do have these update calls with my mom on which the major dicussion would be how many kilos have you lost, did you go to church today (many such calls happen on a sunday evening), but the most pressing and the most ridiculous topic is that on my marriage, and that too every week, beat that. So again after the usual 2 discussion topics we move on to the very mundane very hot discussion topic.
mom: mmmmmm (u know when u eat something really delicious and u relish that stuff wid a mmmmm expression, thats how my mom started the conversation)
mom: now you cant escape, one more year now to go
this "one more year" is in reference to my bday which had just gone by (for those who didnt wish me please do here atleast), so since the last bday or rather the whole of last year I was trying to reason that I was just 26 years old, still a kiddo for marriage (though many traitors i.e. erstwhile close friends, younger than me, did marry before me..and this is a closely guarded secret which my mom doesnt know)
So for the past one year I was telling her that I still want two more years to be even ready (for my parents "ready" means ready for the wedding date and not ready to start the search), hence with the designated one year out of the two passing by and stepping an inch closer to that 28 years mark, my mom was more than happy, rather kept relishing the fact.
me: I m still 27 (modulating my voice pitch so as to present 27 is equivalent to being 17)
mom: so??? leave it, v have to start the search for a girl now
me: arre kahan mar gyi ladkiyan, itni to hai na
mom: nahi, u dont know, there's an apparent dearth of mallu girls (I was reminded of the save tiger initiative, only 1100 left, save tigers now)
I came back to my senses finding my mom has not diverted from the topic and is still continuing
mom: you see your cousin, poor fellow he is 32 years old and he is not getting a good girl to get married to
me: arre woh isliye woh nalaayak hai, use kahan se milegi
mom: shutup dont talk nonsense about your cousin, so where were we?, yes, i was talking about your poor cousin, see even his parents are disappointed, no girls left
me: maine nahi kaha tha unko nurse banane aur gulf (read gelf) bhagne ko
mom: dont say nurse nurse or I ll get you married to a nurse
(I seriously dont understand whatsup with the fantasy of getting married to a nurse, its like Kerala is like a huge production factory where almost every product churned out is a nurse, andddd I dont want to get married to a nurse)
mom: ok, see all your friends are married
me: (blatantly cutting the conversation in between) NO
(even though I hve been on a wedding attending spree I wished that mom be unaware of this crude reality hence with a blatant lie I tried to force my point)
me: look at XYZ, he is not married, he is my age
mom: he must have brothers and sisters of marriageable age
me: NO all of them already married long back, his parents are not even bothered
(I thought I will counter my mom with the tactics they used in my childhood days, peer comparison, look at your friend, he studies well, he sings, he dances, always comes first in the class; I thought I will stop the conversation by doing the same, peer comparison, look at his parents, so cool, never bothering him, never pressing him for the marriage but the answer mom gave made me think no more)
mom: silly boy, thats because his parents have already selected a girl for him
(if parents come up with such statements you know you cant reason)
mom: so whats it, do you want us to search or do you have someone in office already, you tell us we can approach her parents
(now if parents come up with this kind of statement you just know you cant run now, your end is apparent, all is decided)
as mom kept on going on about the benefits of marriage, I was lost in my afterlife thoughts, resigning from the fact that this year the world may end or not my world would surely end. I shall update you guys, after all I will have to send you all the invitation of the death of my bachelorhood, the age of free spirit like the wind, and the invitation of a dependent afterlife, the age of bondage and exploitation and rebellion (what!!! rebellion when have I ever seen a rebellious husband, all rebellions are crushed without mercy by the force of tears and emotions and KIDS)
|
